Writer: Pixon1
Mark: For so long, I have had enemies on this planet, but now I shall destroy them
[Images of 6 random people along with the doctor, Rebecca and Hermit are on screen]
Mark: I shall gain my revenge the only way I know how
Mark: [holding up invites] Tea party!
Mark: I can also win back my beloved Richard while I’m at it
Mark: I can’t Fail
[Throws dart at doctor’s picture]
[Titles]
[Tardis materialises sideways]
Doctor: aw nuts
Rebecca: how can you land a Tardis sideways?
Doctor: very easily, c’mon.
[The crew (inc Hermit) emerge from Tardis]
Richard: I can’t believe Mark invited us to a tea party
Hermit: he must be a gay
Rebecca: incidentally, why are you going, Doctor? I thought you hated social gatherings
Doctor: That I do, but if I can get Richard to leave on his own accord, then I wont be in trouble with lawyers.
Hermit: what about the free food
Doctor: that’s also a good reason for coming, now come on we’ve stopped for no apparent reason
[The crew walk up to large manor house]
[They enter the lobby. 6 people are there already. They are all the people from the pre title sequence. There are 4 men and two women. One man has a moustache and is balding (Chapman), another looks like the doctor with only subtle differences (Lee), one is just generic (Smith) and the fourth man has blond hair and is over weight (Finley). One woman is old and small (Ivy) and the other is in a business suit and looks stuck up (Stuck up bitch)]
Doctor: looks like we’re last to arrive
Hermit: I believe the expression is fashionably late
Rebecca: shall we mingle?
Doctor: mingle we shall
[The doctor and Rebecca approach Smith and Ivy]
Doctor: hello there
Ivy: And who might you be?
Rebecca: I’m Rebecca Porter and this is the doctor
Doctor: any marriage jokes and I’ll snap your neck
Smith: good lord
Doctor: so what is your connection to mark?
Ivy: I‘m his grandmother
Smith: I cut him off last week in the middle of Traffic.
Rebecca: and he invited you for that?
Smith: yeah I found it odd too, but I chose not to question it for generic reasons.
[Doors slam shut]
Doctor: uh oh.
Doctor: [yelling] OK I need everybody to get to the centre of the room now!
[Everyone does so apart from Chapman and Stuck up bitch]
Chapman: oh please. Who put you in charge?
[Red blur speeds past Chapman, he is reduced to dust]
SUB: what was that?
Rebecca: come into the middle
Doctor: every species in the universe has an irrational fear of Mark. ‘cept it’s not irrational
Doctor: it’s Nossliw Mada Kram
Rebecca: the bat things from series one?
Doctor: precisely
Richard: what are we gonna do
Doctor: the doors are deadlocked and I left my Bazooka in the Tardis
Rebecca: you pulled it from mid air last time
Doctor: yeah but now its not plot convenient
Hermit: look a hole in that door
Richard: now that’s plot convenient
Doctor: everyone through that hole!
Lee: Bring on the Wall!
[Everyone does so. Smith and Finley are killed in doing so however]
SUB: oh my god!
Doctor: guess it sucks to be them
SUB: this is not the time to be joking you bastard! 3 people are dead!
Doctor: Firstly, NO ONE CALLS ME A BASTARD! Y’HEAR! Also you’re wrong cos 3 people aren’t dead
[He shoots her]
Doctor: 4 people are… bitch
Lee: Ha! I like your style doctor
Doctor: thanks buddy. Come on the rest of you. The cast has been significantly reduced.
[They enter a room. Richard is first and is stopped by a Nossliw Mada Kram]
Richard: OH NO!
[Cut to mark in control room]
Mark: Don’t kill my Richie-poo!
[Nossliw Mada Kram retreats]
Doctor: Incredible. It doesn’t want to kill Richard
Rebecca: that’s a first
Doctor: I know what to do now.
[The doctor points gun at Richards head]
Doctor: OK Mr Mark, if you don’t want me to kill your boyfriend, you’ll call off your freaks of nature and show me where you are
[Panel is lifted revealing staircase]
Doctor: Hermit, keep the gun trained on Richard. If mark tries anything, kill him
Hermit: Righto boss
Richard: I just wet myself
Ivy: I’ll keep him company
Hermit: oo-er
[Doctor, Rebecca and Lee ascend stairwell]
Mark: freeze suckers
[Mark is pointing a shot gun at the doctor]
Mark: one wrong move and I’ll blow your brains out
Mark: you threatened my Richie Poo!
[Mark cocks rifle]
Mark: prepare to die
Lee: NO!
[Lee jumps front of the doctor and takes the bullet]
Doctor: NO! WHATSHISNAME!
[Lee is dead]
Mark: Dammit, I only had one bullet
[Doctor is furious (more so than usual)]
Doctor: You just killed someone I like, that is not a safe place to stand!
Mark: you can’t threaten me doctor
Doctor: No, I mean it. That really isn’t a safe place to stand
[The doctor hits a button labelled ‘plot device’]
[Mark falls down trap door into a vat of conveniently placed acid]
Doctor: and ‘acid’ to myself… what a wonderful world
Rebecca: terrible, just terrible
[Doctor and Rebecca come down stairwell to find Richard standing there, no sign of hermit or Ivy]
Doctor: Oi, nerd linger
Richard: Nerdington!
Doctor: Whatever, where’s the hag and the hermit?
Richard: he left a few seconds after you went up the stairs
Doctor: damn him!
[The doctor, Rebecca and Richard arrive in the lobby]
[Ivy and Hermit sex is heard but not seen. The crew have horrified faces (cept Richard who is turned on)]
Rebecca: THEY’RE HAVING SEX?!?
Richard: neat
[The doctor faints]
Richard: so what ever happened to Mark?
Doctor: he’s being looked after by top men
Rebecca: Who?
Doctor: top… men
[Actual scene from Raiders of the lost ark put into this scene]
[End]
Davros: Dammit that’s 2 episodes in a row we haven’t appeared in!
Dave: I think we’re pretty powerless to stop it
Davros: Don’t we have good lawyers like that potato boy?
Caan: we hired our lawyer on the quality of his tie, rather than his legal skills
Davros: Oh yeah. Oh well, it was an awesome tie. It had wolves on and everything.
Caan: Correct
Dave: is this sketch going anywhere
Davros: usually when that happens everything just fades to the logo [while speaking the logo is fading in]
Episode 7: Leadership struggle
Writer: Pixon1
[Titles]
[EXT: Room, sign on saying ‘Team Davros Board meeting - no Pokemon references please’]
[Team Davros are standing in front of a panel, their faces hidden (however one of them is obviously The Fourth Doctor]
Dave: if we an just
Board Member #1: Silence, we are very disappointed in you all
Davros: it’s not our fault!
Board Member #2 (doc4): Ah, but whose fault is it?
Caan: It is the Doctor’s!
Board member #3: Isn’t your objective to beat him?
Dave: yes but…
BM1: Silence! You are incompetent
BM2: It is most likely down to bad leadership
Davros: you don’t think this is my fault
BM3: but we do Davros
Dave: this isn’t fair. It’s as much our fault as it is his!
BM1: Davros, you are fired!
Davros: No!
BM2: What's more you are no longer allowed to ride the company horse
Davros: [tearful] no more rides on Betsy?
[Davros runs off crying]
Dave: What have you done to that man?
BM3: silence. Now you two shall meet your new leader; Morgan Freeman
Freeman: hello there!
Dave and Caan: What?
[Tardis console room, the doctor is standing in Tardis with Richard and Rebecca]
Doctor: What?
Rebecca: what is it?
Doctor: I just had an urge to say that. Something bizarre and unexpected must have happened
Rebecca: [sarcastic] well that’s surprising considering the calibre of this cartoon
Richard: amen
[Hand from no where attacks Richard]
Richard: why are you hitting me, she started it
Doctor: the explanation is probably that no one likes you
Richard: awww
Hermit: The Vessel has landed!
Rebecca: what's that? [Points at light blue object]
Doctor: Oh, it’s a Zonda Crystal
Richard: what’s it do
Doctor: it amplifies brainpower by over 9000%
[Richard touches it]
Doctor: it’ll only work if you have a brain to begin with
Freeman: Young man you better put that down
Hermit: who the hell is that?
[Team Davros appear wearing new uniforms (suits with ties with small D’s on them). Freeman is usual droll tone and Dave is down]
Freeman: Prepare for trouble
Dave: Make it double!
Freeman: to cause a lot of devastation
Dave: to stop paying royalties to Terry Nation
Freeman: To attack the evils of truth and love
Dave: To extend our empire to the stars above
Freeman: Morgan Freeman
Dave: Dave
Freeman: Team Davros runs off at the speed of light
Dave: Surrender now, or prepare to fight
Doctor: where’s Davros?
Freeman: Permanent leave of absence
Rebecca; poor guy
Freeman: OK guys, you know the plan. You two deal with them while I narrate
Freeman: As I watched my team destroy the enemy I couldn’t help notice how many people were admiring my voice. I decided to give them some fan service as I said words that would sound good in my voice. Recently I considered a career in Porno but I realised Brian Blessed had won the market on narration. It was then when I realised my team won
[While this was happening Dave and Caan over power the doctor and steal the crystal]
Doctor: they won! I know where we should go
Rebecca; where are we?
Doctor: a bar. Richard, wait out here
Richard: why can’t I come in?
Doctor: you’re underage!
Richard: but you sold hash to 8 year olds last week!
Doctor: Yeah, difference is, I don’t like the cut of your jib
[Doctor, Rebecca and hermit walk in and see Davros]
Doctor: where have you been?
Davros: the board fired me
Rebecca: team Davros has a board?
Davros: yes and they fired me
Doctor: and the new guy beat me. It’s his darn narration skills. I was distracted by his awesome voice
Hermit: not to worry fellows. I have a plan to save the day
[Morgan Freeman is in an office]
Freeman: whist I counted my money I could sense that something bad was about to happen
[Door blows up; Davros glides though hole]
Davros: ah, Morgan Freeman
Freeman: what the hell are you doing here?
Davros: I’ve come for my job
Freeman: Over my dead body. Dave, Caan, get in here
Dave: Davros!
Davros; hello Dave
Freeman: get them
Dave: I can’t do that
Caan: He is our friend
Freeman: Fine, I’ll kill him myself
Doctor: [emerging from hole] I wouldn’t do that Morgan
Freeman: Oh and why not?
Doctor: well because in 1971 you were in a film called ‘Who says I can’t ride a rainbow’. Now we wouldn’t want that to get out, would we?
Freeman: why are you helping him?
Doctor: enemy of my enemy
Freeman: all right, I’ll let you take your job back
BM1: except it’s not your decision
BM2: It’s ours
Doctor; Fourth Doctor? Why are you a board member?
BM2: Shh, I’m supposed to be anonymous.
BM3: Davros doesn’t get back in, unless we say so
Doctor: If you let him back in, I’ll give you a toffee crisp each
BM1: 2 Toffee Crisps
Doctor: 1 and a half
[Pause]
BM3: very well
BM2: the deal is acceptable
BM1: Davros is back
[The doctor throws some Toffee crisps]
Doctor: knock yourself out
Davros: thank you
Doctor: Don’t mention it. Seriously
Freeman: My job done, I left to look for other enemies I could bring together with the pure power my voice produces…
[Credits]
Rebecca: I don’t get it, why did you help Davros anyway?
Doctor: isn’t it obvious. Davros is an incompetent boob. With him in charge Team Davros will never win
Hermit: precisely
Rebecca: incidentally I think we forgot something
[Richard is still outside bar]
Richard: Hello? Anyone?
Episode 8 Coming soon
writer: darklordoftime
Episode 9: Death of a Hero
writer: Pixon1
Richard: Hermit, can I talk with you?
Hermit: anything my boy, unless it’s about aids
Richard: it’s not
Hermit: thank heavens
Richard: I’m hiding something from them The Doctor and Rebecca I mean
Richard: It’s just if they find out they’ll kill me
Hermit: Oh I wouldn’t worry about it
Richard: why not
Hermit: they’re going to kill you regardless of this information
[Titles]
[Volcano planet - the doctor and his crew are running towards Tardis in distance]
Doctor: just one more mile
Richard: I can’t go on much longer
Doctor: If you want to fall over and be left behind, that’s OK by me
[They come to a bridge]
[A large monster stops them]
Doctor: aw crap
Rebecca; how are we gonna get past it?
Hermit: you go on ahead
Doctor: We can’t
Hermit: just do it!
[The doctor and crew go on ahead]
Hermit: YOU SHALL NOT PASS!
[The monster devours him, then explodes]
Doctor: HERMIT!!!!!!
[EXT: Necros (sign saying: ‘do you get the reference?’)]
[The crew all wearing black looking solemn]
Rebecca: [tearful] I can’t believe he’s gone
Doctor: The universe is already a darker place
Richard: that’s ‘cos its night time
Doctor and Rebecca: Shut up nerd linger
Richard: [angrily] that’s NERDINGTON!
Priest: ah Doctor, so glad you could come
Doctor: I wouldn’t miss the hermit’s funeral
Priest: right this way
Priest: He was a good honest man, who had many friends. He only ever owned one cigar but was so economical with it he made it last 400 years
Doctor: what a guy
[Rebecca cries into Richard]
Richard: [thinking] all right!
Priest: and so we commemorate the Hermit to the ages
Davros: Not so fast!
Doctor: dear lord no
Davros: we won’t be so easy to move
Doctor: oh dear lord no
Davros: Prepare for trouble
Dave: Make it double!
Davros: to cause a lot of devastation
Dave: to stop paying royalties to Terry Nation
Davros: To attack the evils of truth and love
Dave: To extend our empire to the stars above
Davros: Davros!
Dave: Daaaave!
Davros: Team Davros runs off at the speed of light
Dave: Surrender now, or prepare to fight
Doctor: what the hell are you doing here?
Dave: are you kidding, we put the ‘fun’ in funeral
Priest: Oh bother, Darleks
Caan: exterminate
[Caan kills priest]
Rebecca: and the point of that was?
Caan: he mis-spelt our name
Doctor: I have no time for you today
Davros: I don’t care; we just want to… where’d you get that rocket launcher from?
Doctor: see ya in hell
Team Davros: TEAM DAVROS IS BLASTING OFF AGAIN!!
[At the reception]
[The doctor and Rebecca are in a room together]
Rebecca; I can’t believe those jerks gave us just 2 rooms
Doctor: you could have stayed with Richard
Rebecca: you’re kidding, right
Doctor: well it’s a funeral, were drunk, were alone in a room
Rebecca: what are you getting at?
Doctor: sex?
Rebecca: sure, why not
[20 minutes later]
[The doctor and Rebecca emerge from room, looking messy]
Rebecca: [surprised] you’re good
Doctor: they don’t call me the Lord of Time for nothing
[Woman in suit enters hall way]
Woman: Doctor?
Doctor: lady?
Woman: I’m Debbie Shaw, a solicitor in charge of the Hermit
Doctor: I see. what do you want?
Debbie: it’s about the Hermit’s inheritance
Doctor: [interested] I see
Debbie: he didn’t have one
Doctor: awww
Debbie: may I come in?
Doctor: I dunno, it’s pretty messy
Debbie: I think I can handle it
Doctor: If you insist
[The doctor opens door]
[Debbie screams]
[One calming down later]
Debbie: Doctor, may I be frank?
Doctor: I thought you were Debbie?
Debbie: whatever, Doctor. I have a subpoena
Doctor: I have a sombrero, I don’t like to brag
Rebecca: no, doctor it means you have to go to court
Doctor: oh. I’m not going
Debbie: There is one way around it
Doctor: hit me toots
Rebecca; please… hit him
Debbie: You can avoid court if you give me some information
Doctor: what information?
Debbie: the meaning of this [holds up video tape]
Doctor: it plays video. It’s quite primitive actually; you want blu-ray or something now
Debbie: no the meaning of the message on it
[She puts on the tape. The hermit appears]
Hermit: Doctor, my fortune teller says I am not long for this world so I leave you a message. Your worst companion is really your greatest enemy. The clue is in the name. Peace out
[Tape ends]
Debbie: So what does it mean?
Doctor: my worst companion… that’s Richard
Rebecca: no question
Doctor: so… [Gets white board and writes ‘Richard’ on it]
Doctor: I can’t see any enemies name in there
Rebecca: you’ve spelt his name wrong
Doctor: what, that’s impossible
Rebecca: no really, on his ID his name is spelt Ritchard
Doctor: that’s idiotic
Rebecca: but true
[The doctor puts a ‘T’ in the name]
Doctor: oh my god
[Rearranges letters off screen]
Debbie: oh lord
Rebecca: holy crap
[Letters spell out ‘RTD chair’]
[The doctor runs to the Tardis, which now says RTD CHAIR]
Doctor: what the hell did he do to my Tardis?
[The doctor and Rebecca run in. it has a red tint and the cloister bell is ringing]
Rebecca: what's that mean?
Doctor: old series reference… I mean the end of the universe!
[Richard emerges]
Ritchard: oh, I would say a new one is just beginning.
[Richard laughs manically]
[EPISODE END]
Episode 10: Raiders of the Lost Episodes
writer: pixon1
Doctor: what is it you want?
Ritchard: oh just to lord it over you, I’m ever such a good actor
Doctor: so all that hero worship?
Ritchard: acting
Doctor: darn
Rebecca: I thought you hated it?
Doctor: yeah, but I liked the ego stroking
Ritchard: do you want to know my plan?
Doctor: isn’t it a cliché for the villain to tell the hero the plot
Ritchard: yeah, but I’m gonna do it anyway
Ritchard: I plan to find and open the hidden Ark of Hartnell and Troughton
Doctor: The ark is lost! It’s never supposed to be seen again
Ritchard: but when I open it, the universe will be mine.
Rebecca: and how are you gonna find it?
Ritchard: with a little help from the Tardis
Doctor: you’re forgetting one thing
Ritchard: what's that?
Doctor: ejector button
[Richard flies out of the Tardis]
[Titles]
Rebecca: is he dead?
Doctor: no, just ejected
Rebecca: so who is RTD chair?
Doctor: way back in 2003, Russel T Davies split himself in two, so as to become more creative. The good ideas were funnelled into the Russel T Davies we know today or RTD OBE if you will.
Doctor: but the bad ideas were funnelled into Ritchard, or RTD chair.
Rebecca: why does he have chair in his name?
Doctor: it’s an incredibly evil word, don’t you think?
Rebecca: no, I think it’s just a stupid way of the writer to make ‘Ritchard’ into a full anagram
[Pause]
Doctor: nevertheless he’s still evil. Ever heard of Fear her?
Rebecca: he didn’t?
Doctor: yep, RTD chair wrote it. Just one example of his sheer evil
Rebecca: so what are we gonna do?
Doctor: We have to find the Ark of Hartnell and Troughton. It’s no longer safe. And we’ll destroy it
Rebecca: what’s in the ark?
Doctor: I can’t say
Rebecca: why not?
Doctor: cause I don’t know.
[Darkened room with monitors, Team Davros look in]
Davros: so the doctor is after the fabled Ark of Hartnell and Troughton
Dave: that’s a mouthful?
Caan: what is our plan?
Davros: we shall capture it and use its power for our own means
Dave: and caan said a webcam feed to the Tardis was a bad idea
Caan: don’t blame me. I thought it was stupid
Dave: you’re stupid.
[Tardis materialises]
Rebecca: so where are we?
Doctor: the volcanic planet of Onaclov
Rebecca: [sarcastically] gee, that’s clever
Doctor: I hid the ark in the Temple of the Fire God
Rebecca: why?
Doctor: cause it sounded cool. Come on
[Vortex effects and Ritchard emerges]
Ritchard: the vortex manipulator works. And to think. All I had to endure was 30 hours of Jack sex
[Jack pops up]
Jack: worth every second [pops back down]
[Ritchard follows Doctor and Rebecca]
[Team Davros come flying down from the sky]
Dave: see, I told you a catapult would work
Davros: OK, you win
Caan: the Doctor is heading that way
Davros: lead on
[Team Davros go in the same direction as the others]
[The doctor and Rebecca arrive at the temple]
Doctor: see that was easy
Rebecca: speak for yourself. You don’t have rope bridge phobia
Doctor: you could have closed your eyes
Rebecca: I don’t know what was worse, your laughing or your rocking the bridge
Doctor: whatever, the ark’s right in here
[The doctor and Rebecca enter the temple]
Doctor: there it is
[Old wooden chest with “junk” written on in crude lettering]
Rebecca: looks nothing like the ark of covenant
Doctor: this isn’t Indiana Jones
Rebecca: gee the fedora and whip must have given me the wrong impression.
[The doctor grabs the chest and the place starts to rumble]
Doctor: aw great you set off a trap
Rebecca: why me
Doctor: damned if I’m gonna be blamed for this
[The two make it out of the temple before it crumbles]
Rebecca: we did it
Doctor: it’s always we with you!
Rebecca: can it big nose
Doctor: it’s not big!
Rebecca: yeah, neithers your-
[Ritchard interrupts]
Ritchard: I’ll be taking the ark now
Rebecca: it’s a chest!
Doctor: Shh. You’re forgetting Richard; even though you were acting I still learnt a thing or two from you
Ritchard: and what would that be
Doctor: no one could act your fondness for potatoes
[The doctor pulls a convenient lever. Potatoes fall on Richard]
Ritchard: I’M IN HEAVEN!
Doctor: to the rope bridge!
Rebecca: joy
[The doctor and Rebecca get half way across the bridge]
Ritchard: [from the end of the bridge] DOCTOR!
Ritchard: Give the ark to me, or I’ll do to you what I did to Rose Tyler
[Flashback to Richard shooting Rose]
Doctor: ok come closer and I’ll give it to you
Rebecca: [worried] you’re not-
Doctor: don’t worry, I have a plan. [Shows knife] hold on tight
Rebecca: [even more worried] you’re not!
[Ritchard gets closer; the doctor cuts the rope on the bridge]
[The bridge snaps in two. Richard falls to his death as the Doctor and Rebecca holds on]
Rebecca: do that again and I’ll shoot you
Doctor: yeah, yeah just climb will you?
[The two get to the to the top, where Team Davros is waiting for them]
Doctor: oh not again
Davros: Dave, take the ark
Rebecca: IT’S A CHEST!
Davros: whatever
Caan: we may need some insurance on the ark
Rebecca: [quickly and quietly] chest
Dave: I’ll call Churchill. I love those adverts
Caan: Not that sort of insurance you berk
Dave: should we take the wench?
[He grabs Rebecca]
Davros: a master stroke. Doctor, you follow us and we’ll kill your woman
Doctor: you’re really over-estimating how much I care
Davros: nevertheless… just don’t follow us, OK?
Doctor: gotcha
[Team Davros are going through the desert]
[The doctor is in the cliffs surrounding]
Doctor: Hey, wheels!
Davros: Dammit Doctor, I called no backsies
Doctor: I had skinchies
[Shows fingers being crossed]
Davros: curse the man who invented skinchies
[The doctor now has an RPG]
Doctor: I’m gonna blow up the ark
[Rebecca, who is gagged, appears]
Rebecca: [muffled] Chest!
Davros: you won’t doctor. You want to see these episodes as much as me, perhaps even more
Doctor: …nope, don’t think so
Davros: nevertheless, Dave and Caan have already captured you
[The doctor is now tied up with Dave and Caan on either side]
Doctor: damn you guys are good
Dave: thanks, we try
[Next scene is very reminiscent of Raiders of the lost ark. Team Davros are standing round the ark, while daleks watch. The doctor and Rebecca are tied to a pole]
Doctor: what ever you do, don’t open your eyes
Rebecca: why
Doctor: you’ll thank me later
[CU on Team Davros]
Davros: and now the ark will be opened and we will see the lost episodes
[The ark opens, ghosts of Hartnell and Troughton appear to be friendly]
[The ghosts go bad and kill every dalek]
Doctor: I hate having to close my eyes, this sounds awesome
[Team Davros is then killed the same way as the villains from Raiders. Davros face melts, Dave wastes away and Caan explodes]
[The lid falls back on the ark]
Doctor: you can open your eyes now
Rebecca: Damn, we really did miss something awesome
Doctor: those episodes were too great to be seen by mortal eyes. We should destroy them
Rebecca: one question
Doctor: shoot
Rebecca: how do we get untied?
Doctor: ah
[One unexplained untying later]
Rebecca: so you just blew up the chest?
Doctor: did you expect it to go into some warehouse?
Rebecca: no, we’ve already done that gag
Rebecca: so will we get another series?
Doctor: who knows, Rebecca? Who knows?
[End]
Doctor: Actually we are getting another series. It’s actually already written.
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